i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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