You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
