I wish they made helmets for livers.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
