My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize