you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
