I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
