You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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