I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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