so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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