I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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