I was born with a shot glass in my hand
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wear drunk well.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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