My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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