I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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