Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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