Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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