You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
