peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
