I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Come on in and take your pants off
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