I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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