If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
