I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
