i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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