That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
