White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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