u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
