I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
