return my video game
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I am available for nakedness
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