Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
