I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
