we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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