she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
