Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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