i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
