Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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