If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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