Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
