remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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