i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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