sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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