I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
