I think I won the penis lottery.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
