I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
