I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
