You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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