Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
