I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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