the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
