No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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