so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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