apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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