Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
