No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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