Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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