i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
