I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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