just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
