Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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