I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
